μῆνιν

μῆνιν (mainin) -

Ancient Greek vase with Achilles(left)
playing a board game with Ajax (right).

 One of the greatest words in the Ancient Greek vocabulary! The opening word of the Iliad. It means anger or wrath. I had a very long post written as to why I've been thinking of the Iliad and of μῆνιν. It was entirely too self indulgent. I decided instead to replace it with the these thoughts. I am conjuring up images in my mind of me as the warrior Achilles, decimating any and all obstacles that come into my path. I have for many years believed in the power of mental imagery. I am the great warrior Achilles which makes me virtually unstoppable. (Not even by my Achilles heel, that myth does not develop until years after the Iliad was written.)
 Achilles' greatest asset was not his brute strength but his complete lack of fear. Obviously I AM afraid or I wouldn't have to keep imagining that I'm not afraid of anything. The near future is quite uncertain and I feel pretty anxious. I'm the type of person who needs to have my life plan written out on paper; preferably color coded and in chronological order. But life is not so neat and tidy. I'm trying very hard to just roll with the punches but that's not my strength. Which really means that faith is not my strength. 
We are so blessed. We have been surrounded by so many guardian angels!  My visiting teacher Suzana (I love her!!) gave me a gift for my classroom that says"Angels Gather Here". But it really suits my home even better. I can't think of a better way to describe it. My home truly has been the gathering place of angels. I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of us and knows us. We've been looked after during these hard times. I'm so grateful to my sister, Jay. She'd been telling me for months and months that we should come live with her. She's been going on and on about how easy it would be, how much space they have for us (including the dogs), how happy I would be if I just waited until next school year to go back to work. She'll never know truly what it means to me. It broke my heart when I realized I would not be able to return to work. But all I had to do was call Jay and say "we're coming". She made it so easy that I didn't even have to ask. In fact my mom and my sister Dondi had both been making the same offer. I spoke with my wonderful grandma a couple of days ago and she also made it clear she would love to have us. I've received multiple phone calls already offering to help with the packing and loading. Wow. Just wow. All this love and support really does make me feel like an epic warrior! I feel like a need a superhero catch phrase...

Cowabunga! 

I've got the power!

If you haven't read the Iliad leave your computer screen right away and go find yourself a copy!

(thank you for indulging my classical whims! Some times I can't help myself but most times I don't want to help myself.)

The great "warrior" Ajax who had to stretch his head forward and lay it
on Matt's shoulder the entire ride home from Mexico. Mighty Warrior!

Utah

Last week was my first week back to work. Students don't come for another couple of weeks but I had meetings to attend all week. When not in a meeting I'm trying to get my classroom and materials prepared for the year. My first day back was very difficult. It required me to spend a lot more time in my prosthesis than I have been able to manage up to this point. The second day was even worse. Just making one trip down the hall to the copy machine and back almost killed me. Wednesday my leg was so sore and bruised from all the activity and extra time in my prosthesis that I couldn't even get my prosthesis on. I stayed home and let it rest. By this time I am having some very serious doubts about my ability to return to work. Two days back and I was already forced to take a day off and rest my leg. Thursday and Friday I squeezed my very sore and bruised leg back into my prosthesis but each evening ended in tears, pain and exhaustion. I truly hate leaving the house without my prosthesis on but had to attend a wedding Saturday morning without it. My leg was much too sore to try and wear it again.
I don't want to diminish the progress I've made. I've worked really hard and I'm doing great! It's clear, however, that I am not ready to go back to work. Matthew and I have been having this discussion since my surgery. Each amputee is different in the recovery process. It's been very difficult to predict if I would be able to return to work or not. I wanted to teach again this year so badly. I love teaching Latin and I love my students. It broke my heart when I realized that teaching is out of my reach this school year. My administration has been wonderful. They were not surprised when I told them I wouldn't be returning. Everyone could see how painful and exhausting it was for me to be at work. I am so relieved to have the extra time to heal and to build up my strength and health!
Now that we have lost my income we've had to adjust our plans. This last year has brought so many unexpected things. We are both excited and sad to announce that we will be relocating to Utah in October. I can't wait to see what unexpected things are around the corner for us!

Friendship

"Secundas res splendidiores facit amicitia et adversas partiens communicansque leviores."

“Friendship makes prosperity more shining and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it.”

- Cicero

I am incredibly blessed with the many friends and family who make up my support network. I had an amazing time tonight at dinner (thank you Maren & Bur!) with my family. My dear friend Donna was also in attendance. Donna and I have a great relationship that is so easy and fun to pick up right where we left off regardless of how long it's been since seeing one another. After dinner she and I stayed behind at the restaurant for dessert and talked for hours. I have been feeling down and probably full of a little self pity for a couple weeks now. Donna is just the ray of sunshine I needed to get back on track and feeling great! I'm happy to be surrounded by so much love! 

I love stories of unlikely animal friends! So great!

Some days are really hard

Some days are just really hard.

Families who go to the beach together, stay together

The beach is the perfect place to reinforce great family connections. I am so happy that we decided to make this trip to Mexico with Matt’s family. There are so many of us here and it’s so enriching to be able to visit with family many of whom I haven’t seen in quite a while. We nearly didn't make the trip after receiving sad news the day before we left.

My grandmother, Kathy Pippin (my father’s mother), passed away on Thursday morning. I am very sad that she is no longer here with us. She has not been herself, however, for some time now. Her physical body and mind have not been kind in these last few years. I cannot help but feel tremendous peace in my heart for her release from pain and confusion but even more for her reunion with my grandpa. They have loved each other for a very long time and are NOT meant to be apart. I often think of a decorative ceramic piece that they had in their home. On it were the words: If I had to choose again, I’d still choose you. My grandparents are very much on my mind at this time. I miss them both.  They are converts to the church and that is truly the greatest blessing they have given me. The number of lives they have touched are innumerable! The gospel and the ability to be an eternal family has changed my life forever. I am grateful to them for so many things but this is by far the greatest of them all.

One of my greatest memories with my grandparents was a trip we took to the beach in California. I was about 13 or 14 years old and my grandparents were taking a trip to Southern California to visit some of my grandpa’s family. His sister, Shirley, had come from Mississippi to take the trip with them. They invited me to come along because they knew how much I love the ocean; they also thought I could help entertain Shirley’s 10 year old daughter Megan. I felt so special having been invited on this trip with them. I've had a love for the ocean all my life but this trip was one of my first really memorable ocean experiences. I had an amazing time swimming in the waves with Megan.

I remember vividly that it was also the first time I experienced my grandparents outside of their roles as my grandma and grandpa. Every evening they would gather around the kitchen table and talk for hours. I saw a side of them I had never seen before as they laughed and had a grand time with my grandpa’s siblings. About a year and ½ ago Aunt Shirley came for my grandpa’s funeral. She shared with me that Megan still talks about that trip we took to California and what a great time she had. I haven’t seen her since that trip but what a great memory it is for both of us. A trip (beach or otherwise) can be an amazing bonding experience for family.

I’m so grateful for my McRae family and the time we are able to spend here making memories and strengthening relationships. I know this is exactly where my grandparents would want me to be. Matt’s siblings have done a lot to make this trip possible for us. I love my family so very much and appreciate every minute I am able to be with them!

 Matthew, if I had to choose again I would still choose you.

Onwards and Upwards

Since getting my prosthetic leg last Friday I have hated every minute spent in my new leg. It hurts and it's a slow painstaking process. That's why today's success is so sweet! I put my leg on today and it hurt a little less. I am walking a little faster (still a snails pace but like a racing snail rather than a regular snail). It's getting easier! Phew! I also got the best motivating news this week. JeuneElle and my mom are coming for a visit again AND they're bringing the kids!! I am more excited than words can express. Knowing the kids were coming motivated me to be in the best shape I can be so that we can do lots of fun activities. That's what got me through the difficult first week in my prosthesis! With both their visit and a beach trip coming soon I am feeling great!


Cutest kids EVER!



dies Veneris XIII

As Matthew and I sat in the waiting room at Aaron's office on Friday I felt so nervous. I kept looking down at my leg, turning it back and forth, asking Matt if he thought it had shrunk at all in the last week. I wanted so much to see forward progression and I also remembered vividly how difficult and painful it was to squeeze into the small cuff of my prosthesis last week. (My prosthetic leg had not yet arrived from the factory so I would be going home with the same 'loaner' leg I used last week. It's actually a loaner foot. Everything is custom built for me here at the clinic except for the foot. So I'm using my own custom built leg down to the ankle and when the foot arrives from the factory on Thursday we will come swap out the loaner foot for my own custom foot.) We were ushered into the 'walking room' at the clinic. I sat in my chair and rolled up my shorts and nervously began to work my limb into the socket... et voila! It went in much more easily than last time! I was so relieved and Aaron wore a very knowing expression on his face. Making these sockets in the early stages of recovery is a tricky balance between making it too small and keeping up with how quickly the limb will be shrinking. Admittedly last week I though Aaron had been too aggressive with how small he had made my cuff. He obviously knows what he is doing. Not only did my residual limb fit more easily inside but we also added a sock to get the fit to be even tighter. It's amazing how quickly my limb is changing! 

I was so happy and I felt a lot more comfortable bearing weight on my prosthesis than I did before. A big part of learning to use a prosthesis is being able to trust that it will be there for you. I trust it a little more every time I use it. I walked back and forth between the parallel bars several times and Aaron made small adjustments to the leg as I went.

It feels both liberating and inhibiting at the same time. I love the feeling of having two legs again! Even just standing still is so much easier with two legs! Maybe even more than the feel of two legs, I love the look of having two legs. I try not to care too much about what other people think. Anytime I leave the house, however, I draw a great deal of attention. Most people are just curious or sympathetic. It's hard not to feel like a circus freak when I'm out and about. I loved going to church today with two feet and two matching shoes! I still draw attention but I feel less exposed in a strange way. On the other hand, having two legs makes me very anxious to really move my body and take off. It takes all the patience I can muster to go through this process. But I am very grateful for every step I take, literally or otherwise!

It was really great to have Matt with me this time and to be able to share my happy moment with him! On the way home I had taken my leg off to get some pain relief. As we walked to the house from the car Matt thought it was so funny that he was kicking me in the butt with my own leg. Honestly, so did I! I love having Matt around to keep me laughing and make life fun!

This week I should only do 2 hours at a time in my prosthetic leg up to 3x's a day and only partial weight bearing. I am primarily building up the tolerance for wearing the prosthesis right now. I'm very concerned (probably overly worried) about getting a sore or an injury on my residual limb. If that happens I will not be able to wear my prosthesis until my residual limb heals which could take weeks! I do not have the patience or the time for anything like that! I have to be back to work no later than July 21st. I need to gain as much progress as possible with my leg before then. I often worry or have bad dreams about going back to work. Last school year was so difficult. My friend Mindy teases me that I have PTSD from last year. She might not be wrong! It's hard to do any job when you're not well physically. I really do love teaching and I miss my students. Whenever I was having a hard day, my kids would give me the motivation to push through. I love it when I run into a student or a parent when I'm around town. I get so invested in my kids and love to see that they are doing well!

"homines dum docent discunt"

"while men teach, they learn"  -  Seneca