μῆνιν

μῆνιν (mainin) -

Ancient Greek vase with Achilles(left)
playing a board game with Ajax (right).

 One of the greatest words in the Ancient Greek vocabulary! The opening word of the Iliad. It means anger or wrath. I had a very long post written as to why I've been thinking of the Iliad and of μῆνιν. It was entirely too self indulgent. I decided instead to replace it with the these thoughts. I am conjuring up images in my mind of me as the warrior Achilles, decimating any and all obstacles that come into my path. I have for many years believed in the power of mental imagery. I am the great warrior Achilles which makes me virtually unstoppable. (Not even by my Achilles heel, that myth does not develop until years after the Iliad was written.)
 Achilles' greatest asset was not his brute strength but his complete lack of fear. Obviously I AM afraid or I wouldn't have to keep imagining that I'm not afraid of anything. The near future is quite uncertain and I feel pretty anxious. I'm the type of person who needs to have my life plan written out on paper; preferably color coded and in chronological order. But life is not so neat and tidy. I'm trying very hard to just roll with the punches but that's not my strength. Which really means that faith is not my strength. 
We are so blessed. We have been surrounded by so many guardian angels!  My visiting teacher Suzana (I love her!!) gave me a gift for my classroom that says"Angels Gather Here". But it really suits my home even better. I can't think of a better way to describe it. My home truly has been the gathering place of angels. I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of us and knows us. We've been looked after during these hard times. I'm so grateful to my sister, Jay. She'd been telling me for months and months that we should come live with her. She's been going on and on about how easy it would be, how much space they have for us (including the dogs), how happy I would be if I just waited until next school year to go back to work. She'll never know truly what it means to me. It broke my heart when I realized I would not be able to return to work. But all I had to do was call Jay and say "we're coming". She made it so easy that I didn't even have to ask. In fact my mom and my sister Dondi had both been making the same offer. I spoke with my wonderful grandma a couple of days ago and she also made it clear she would love to have us. I've received multiple phone calls already offering to help with the packing and loading. Wow. Just wow. All this love and support really does make me feel like an epic warrior! I feel like a need a superhero catch phrase...

Cowabunga! 

I've got the power!

If you haven't read the Iliad leave your computer screen right away and go find yourself a copy!

(thank you for indulging my classical whims! Some times I can't help myself but most times I don't want to help myself.)

The great "warrior" Ajax who had to stretch his head forward and lay it
on Matt's shoulder the entire ride home from Mexico. Mighty Warrior!

Utah

Last week was my first week back to work. Students don't come for another couple of weeks but I had meetings to attend all week. When not in a meeting I'm trying to get my classroom and materials prepared for the year. My first day back was very difficult. It required me to spend a lot more time in my prosthesis than I have been able to manage up to this point. The second day was even worse. Just making one trip down the hall to the copy machine and back almost killed me. Wednesday my leg was so sore and bruised from all the activity and extra time in my prosthesis that I couldn't even get my prosthesis on. I stayed home and let it rest. By this time I am having some very serious doubts about my ability to return to work. Two days back and I was already forced to take a day off and rest my leg. Thursday and Friday I squeezed my very sore and bruised leg back into my prosthesis but each evening ended in tears, pain and exhaustion. I truly hate leaving the house without my prosthesis on but had to attend a wedding Saturday morning without it. My leg was much too sore to try and wear it again.
I don't want to diminish the progress I've made. I've worked really hard and I'm doing great! It's clear, however, that I am not ready to go back to work. Matthew and I have been having this discussion since my surgery. Each amputee is different in the recovery process. It's been very difficult to predict if I would be able to return to work or not. I wanted to teach again this year so badly. I love teaching Latin and I love my students. It broke my heart when I realized that teaching is out of my reach this school year. My administration has been wonderful. They were not surprised when I told them I wouldn't be returning. Everyone could see how painful and exhausting it was for me to be at work. I am so relieved to have the extra time to heal and to build up my strength and health!
Now that we have lost my income we've had to adjust our plans. This last year has brought so many unexpected things. We are both excited and sad to announce that we will be relocating to Utah in October. I can't wait to see what unexpected things are around the corner for us!

Friendship

"Secundas res splendidiores facit amicitia et adversas partiens communicansque leviores."

“Friendship makes prosperity more shining and lessens adversity by dividing and sharing it.”

- Cicero

I am incredibly blessed with the many friends and family who make up my support network. I had an amazing time tonight at dinner (thank you Maren & Bur!) with my family. My dear friend Donna was also in attendance. Donna and I have a great relationship that is so easy and fun to pick up right where we left off regardless of how long it's been since seeing one another. After dinner she and I stayed behind at the restaurant for dessert and talked for hours. I have been feeling down and probably full of a little self pity for a couple weeks now. Donna is just the ray of sunshine I needed to get back on track and feeling great! I'm happy to be surrounded by so much love! 

I love stories of unlikely animal friends! So great!

Some days are really hard

Some days are just really hard.

Families who go to the beach together, stay together

The beach is the perfect place to reinforce great family connections. I am so happy that we decided to make this trip to Mexico with Matt’s family. There are so many of us here and it’s so enriching to be able to visit with family many of whom I haven’t seen in quite a while. We nearly didn't make the trip after receiving sad news the day before we left.

My grandmother, Kathy Pippin (my father’s mother), passed away on Thursday morning. I am very sad that she is no longer here with us. She has not been herself, however, for some time now. Her physical body and mind have not been kind in these last few years. I cannot help but feel tremendous peace in my heart for her release from pain and confusion but even more for her reunion with my grandpa. They have loved each other for a very long time and are NOT meant to be apart. I often think of a decorative ceramic piece that they had in their home. On it were the words: If I had to choose again, I’d still choose you. My grandparents are very much on my mind at this time. I miss them both.  They are converts to the church and that is truly the greatest blessing they have given me. The number of lives they have touched are innumerable! The gospel and the ability to be an eternal family has changed my life forever. I am grateful to them for so many things but this is by far the greatest of them all.

One of my greatest memories with my grandparents was a trip we took to the beach in California. I was about 13 or 14 years old and my grandparents were taking a trip to Southern California to visit some of my grandpa’s family. His sister, Shirley, had come from Mississippi to take the trip with them. They invited me to come along because they knew how much I love the ocean; they also thought I could help entertain Shirley’s 10 year old daughter Megan. I felt so special having been invited on this trip with them. I've had a love for the ocean all my life but this trip was one of my first really memorable ocean experiences. I had an amazing time swimming in the waves with Megan.

I remember vividly that it was also the first time I experienced my grandparents outside of their roles as my grandma and grandpa. Every evening they would gather around the kitchen table and talk for hours. I saw a side of them I had never seen before as they laughed and had a grand time with my grandpa’s siblings. About a year and ½ ago Aunt Shirley came for my grandpa’s funeral. She shared with me that Megan still talks about that trip we took to California and what a great time she had. I haven’t seen her since that trip but what a great memory it is for both of us. A trip (beach or otherwise) can be an amazing bonding experience for family.

I’m so grateful for my McRae family and the time we are able to spend here making memories and strengthening relationships. I know this is exactly where my grandparents would want me to be. Matt’s siblings have done a lot to make this trip possible for us. I love my family so very much and appreciate every minute I am able to be with them!

 Matthew, if I had to choose again I would still choose you.

Onwards and Upwards

Since getting my prosthetic leg last Friday I have hated every minute spent in my new leg. It hurts and it's a slow painstaking process. That's why today's success is so sweet! I put my leg on today and it hurt a little less. I am walking a little faster (still a snails pace but like a racing snail rather than a regular snail). It's getting easier! Phew! I also got the best motivating news this week. JeuneElle and my mom are coming for a visit again AND they're bringing the kids!! I am more excited than words can express. Knowing the kids were coming motivated me to be in the best shape I can be so that we can do lots of fun activities. That's what got me through the difficult first week in my prosthesis! With both their visit and a beach trip coming soon I am feeling great!


Cutest kids EVER!



dies Veneris XIII

As Matthew and I sat in the waiting room at Aaron's office on Friday I felt so nervous. I kept looking down at my leg, turning it back and forth, asking Matt if he thought it had shrunk at all in the last week. I wanted so much to see forward progression and I also remembered vividly how difficult and painful it was to squeeze into the small cuff of my prosthesis last week. (My prosthetic leg had not yet arrived from the factory so I would be going home with the same 'loaner' leg I used last week. It's actually a loaner foot. Everything is custom built for me here at the clinic except for the foot. So I'm using my own custom built leg down to the ankle and when the foot arrives from the factory on Thursday we will come swap out the loaner foot for my own custom foot.) We were ushered into the 'walking room' at the clinic. I sat in my chair and rolled up my shorts and nervously began to work my limb into the socket... et voila! It went in much more easily than last time! I was so relieved and Aaron wore a very knowing expression on his face. Making these sockets in the early stages of recovery is a tricky balance between making it too small and keeping up with how quickly the limb will be shrinking. Admittedly last week I though Aaron had been too aggressive with how small he had made my cuff. He obviously knows what he is doing. Not only did my residual limb fit more easily inside but we also added a sock to get the fit to be even tighter. It's amazing how quickly my limb is changing! 

I was so happy and I felt a lot more comfortable bearing weight on my prosthesis than I did before. A big part of learning to use a prosthesis is being able to trust that it will be there for you. I trust it a little more every time I use it. I walked back and forth between the parallel bars several times and Aaron made small adjustments to the leg as I went.

It feels both liberating and inhibiting at the same time. I love the feeling of having two legs again! Even just standing still is so much easier with two legs! Maybe even more than the feel of two legs, I love the look of having two legs. I try not to care too much about what other people think. Anytime I leave the house, however, I draw a great deal of attention. Most people are just curious or sympathetic. It's hard not to feel like a circus freak when I'm out and about. I loved going to church today with two feet and two matching shoes! I still draw attention but I feel less exposed in a strange way. On the other hand, having two legs makes me very anxious to really move my body and take off. It takes all the patience I can muster to go through this process. But I am very grateful for every step I take, literally or otherwise!

It was really great to have Matt with me this time and to be able to share my happy moment with him! On the way home I had taken my leg off to get some pain relief. As we walked to the house from the car Matt thought it was so funny that he was kicking me in the butt with my own leg. Honestly, so did I! I love having Matt around to keep me laughing and make life fun!

This week I should only do 2 hours at a time in my prosthetic leg up to 3x's a day and only partial weight bearing. I am primarily building up the tolerance for wearing the prosthesis right now. I'm very concerned (probably overly worried) about getting a sore or an injury on my residual limb. If that happens I will not be able to wear my prosthesis until my residual limb heals which could take weeks! I do not have the patience or the time for anything like that! I have to be back to work no later than July 21st. I need to gain as much progress as possible with my leg before then. I often worry or have bad dreams about going back to work. Last school year was so difficult. My friend Mindy teases me that I have PTSD from last year. She might not be wrong! It's hard to do any job when you're not well physically. I really do love teaching and I miss my students. Whenever I was having a hard day, my kids would give me the motivation to push through. I love it when I run into a student or a parent when I'm around town. I get so invested in my kids and love to see that they are doing well!

"homines dum docent discunt"

"while men teach, they learn"  -  Seneca

First Steps and New Beginnings

Best. Day. Ever.

I had an appointment with Aaron, my prosthetist, today. It was to check the fitting of the socket which attaches my residual limb to my prosthesis. My prosthesis is still being custom built at the factory so it's not ready yet. The socket is made to fit as tight as it possibly can over my residual limb. The reason for this is once I start walking, my residual limb will shrink at a must faster rate. By starting with the smallest socket possible it will help me keep a good fit for a longer period of time with my final socket. Getting my leg into this very tight socket was difficult and painful...very painful. It took almost 10 minutes to work my way into it but once I got in there it felt okay.

Then the most miraculous experience took place. I took my very first steps! The socket was attached to a loaner prosthesis so it was a little more awkward than my custom made one will be. At first I had to just practice putting a little weight on it. Then we moved to the double bars. I went all the way to the end of the bars and back! It was the most amazing feeling! I was surprised by how overcome with emotion I felt. I could not hold back the tears of joy. Aaron is so encouraging and tough at the same time. He strikes the perfect balance between pushing me to achieve my goals while having empathy and compassion at the same time. Aaron is a fellow amputee and we will be lifelong friends! He's very excited about my progress and drive. He says I walked farther today than most of his patients after having had their prosthesis for 3 weeks. I'm so encouraged by his words and I can't wait to really dig my heels in and get some hard work done over the next few weeks. At my appointment next Friday I will be coming home with a new leg! Aaron will give me the loaner prosthesis I used today if my own prosthesis isn't finished yet (it probably won't be.)
I'm so happy that I don't even feel the extra pain from having put my leg through so much today. I have to many good endorphins pumping through my body. I suspect tonight and tomorrow won't be so easy but it's all part of the process. I'm so thankful for everyone who knew I could make it this far. I'm not done yet so please don't stop praying for me.

Aaron feels my prognosis for running again some day is very good. I can't even complete that sentence without becoming emotional. That's really the carrot at the end of the stick for me. It's at the core of every difficult step I take to progress forward. Below is my new favorite video from the Canadian Paralympic Committee called Unstoppable.

 

 

The Strength of a Thousand Men

A visit from my amazing visiting teachers this afternoon has me thinking of all the visits and prayers that have carried me through on a daily basis. Suzana and Adrienne have become dear friends and strengthened my testimony of visiting teaching. Today has been a struggle. Even on a tough day, however, I feel happier and stronger than I have been in a long time. Many have told me that I am so very strong for going through this. But any strength that I possess comes from the many loved ones who surround me and from the strength of the Spirit. I know there have been numerous prayers on my behalf and I feel strength and comfort from each one. My husband, my family, my friends and even acquaintances have extended so much love and support. One of my favorites is a card from my sweet nephew Levi. It reads:

 Dear Aunt Trisha, I'm really glad that you're feeling better.  I hope you will get used to your plastic leg soon.

Love, Levi

Gaining a Leg Up On Life

I took the first steps towards getting my new leg yesterday! How exciting! My prosthetist, Aaron, took a mold of my residual limb and a lot of measurements. I had to choose a new leg out of hundreds and hundreds of available options. It was so overwhelming and surreal to be shopping around for a leg that will do everything a real leg/foot can do and feel very natural at the same time. So many choices. We need a leg store that functions like a shoe store where I can try something on and use it a little before committing to a $30,000 leg.  Matt and I joke about holding an amputee party where we all swap legs to try out as many as possible. Aaron is really great at giving me direction based on what I hope to accomplish and breaking down the components so that I understand my options. My first preliminary fitting will be next Friday! My leg won't be ready quite yet. It will be a fitting for the socket that attaches my residual limb to my prosthetic leg. The whole thing should be finished about a week later. Then I'm off! Learning how to walk again! I can hardly wait to get the real work started.

Sunshine

My Mom is here, everything is going to be okay. I'm so happy my parents have been able to come be with me. My Dad was here through the weekend and they did a complete organization of my garage which is nothing short of a miracle! My Mom gets to stay a whole week! Isn't everything just better with Mom and Dad around. They brought a whole new sunshine with them to my house. This morning my Mom and I were enjoying a beautiful view out the window and we were discussing how great and beautiful the sunshine is. It helped me realize all the "sunshine" that has come into my life. Recently my aunt and cousins actually sent me a box of sunshine to cheer me up. It had everything yellow you can think of from nail polish to an inspirational book. It made me feel so loved and sunny! I've had so many people bring me rays of sunshine along the way. There was an amazing woman who visited me in the hospital. She has a cute little yorkie she takes around to visit patients and cheer them up. I adore my dogs and missed them while in the hospital so it DID cheer me up. She was also an amputee and her willingness to open up and share here experiences with me were so meaningful. She spent so much time talking with me and encouraging me. That was a big ray of sunshine! This journey is constantly a lesson in the kindness and charity of others. Often I am surprised at the smallest things that make a big difference. I think of many times in the past when I have felt that the service or talents I have to offer were negligible. I know now more than ever that nothing is too small or insignificant. I'm so grateful for all of the sunshine in my life. Most of all I am grateful for my Savior and my God and my brightest ray of sunshine, my husband.

Breakfast

Every morning before leaving for work my sweet husband makes sure I have a breakfast tray at the edge of my bed and easily accessible food in the fridge. He is the type of guy who likes to wake up about 3 1/2  minutes before he has to leave the house, so carving out this kind of time in the morning is a big deal. The best part about it is, having been married 8 years, I know he would do it anyway. I wouldn't have to lose a leg or be ill; he would just do it if I wanted it.

He's pretty amazing! Sometimes I think I must feel like a 3rd pet. "Did I feed and water and medicate my wife before I left today?" Oh well. He does it lovingly and I am so grateful for him! Sometimes when people get married they don't really know the person they are marrying. I feel that way sometimes in the sense that his selflessness seems to be never-ending. We all expect it from our significant others during the early years. Who knew this is how he truly is through and through? Well, everyone knew but you get the idea.

I really got the better end of this deal! I've been through a lot since we've been married and he takes it all so well. That's what happens when you're married. If one of you is going through something the other is going through it too. I have a lot of love and support from everyone. Many don't realize how taxing this can be on a spouse. He is the one behind the scenes who keeps everything together. I  don't write about him often because it's hard to do without getting emotional. (So far I'm unsuccessful.) I can't believe I landed such an amazing man! I find in him the person I am always trying to be. He makes me laugh and we have good time. He is my daily reminder that life is worth living!

"Omnia vincit amor, et nos cedamus amori."

Love conquers all, let us yield to love"

-Vergil 

 

The Healing Power of Faith



I have been looking forward to getting back to church for weeks! I finally made it today and I am so happy. I love my ward! They have been amazing since the day they showed up to help us move in!! An interesting thing happened in sacrament meeting. I was listening to the speaker who was doing a great job. He reached a point in his talk where the spirit was very strong. I was really feeling the spirit and had goose bumps run down my arms. Then I realized my whole body had become relaxed and the tenseness in my amputated leg had released. I really didn't feel much pain at all while I was filled with the spirit so intensely. It didn't last long, just a moment or two. It was an amazing reminder of the healing power of God.

A little  while ago I had the prompting to make scripture study more of a priority in my life.  I recommitted myself to having daily scripture study.  Naturally, a couple days later my sister JeuneElle called saying 'I don't want to offend you or imply you're not doing enough but I was reading this Ensign article about the power of scripture to heal physical afflictions and I thought of you.' (typical Jay - always looking out for me and in tune with the spirit) I re-recommitted myself to studying the scriptures. Do I think my pain will be healed today because I had scripture study? No. But it's a nice reminder that when I make my faith a priority good things happen in life.

I was fortunate enough to be able to frequent the temple in the weeks leading up to my amputation. I am so grateful for the inspiration and revelation I receive there. It has been a strong guiding influence in my life. I am grateful to have the gospel in my life and so grateful to have a husband with the power of the priesthood. I have been anxious to return to the temple after surgery. I am looking forward to a temple trip soon! I have a strong testimony of the importance of scriptures and temple work and the blessings received from the temple.

"God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face."

- Jeffrey R. Holland

Gilbert, Arizona Temple

Progress Report

At the doctor's office

I visited the doctor this week and he gave me a good progress report. Everything is healing well. I had all 35 staples removed and the incision looks great. No sign of infection. (Which is always the first question out of my mouth. I may be a bit paranoid.) My prosthetist, Aaron, was there as well.  Aaron is going to be very important to me as I go through the process of building my prosthetic, adjusting, and fitting and refitting many many times. I already like him a lot and we've built a great relationship in a short time. Aaron also gave me a glowing progress report. My leg is in good shape and by that I mean the shape of my leg is almost ready to fit into a prosthesis. Aaron put a shrinker sock on my leg. This is exactly what it sounds like. A very tight sock which, in his words, "feels like a tourniquet" that helps push out swelling and shrink down my leg. We will be waiting on my incision to heal completely and my pain level to go down before I begin walking in a new leg. In about a week we'll take a mold of my leg and the process of building my prosthesis will begin.  

  Fun Fact: I often get asked what the difference is between prosthesis and prosthetic. The difference is that one is a noun and the other is an adjective. I have either a prosthesis or a prosthetic leg. (Oops, is the teacher in me showing?)

 

This is the end of anything interesting in this post and the beginning of my rambling and venting. This will probably be lengthy so I recommend you stop here at the update and save yourself some time.

 

Reality Stew

When I started this blog I deliberated for a long time about allowing readers. I am a very private person and  I really set this up to be an outlet for me to work through things. If there's one thing I should have learned in the past few years it is that private isn't always better or safer. Because this is therapeutic for me I am going to continue as if there aren't any readers, just warning you.

Since the day of my surgery my leg has been encased in a rather large and bulky splint. It protects my limb from damage if I fall (which many know I DID) and keeps it straight so that I don't have to do months of physical therapy to regain full extension in my leg. At my recent doctor's visit, having it completely uncovered, I looked down at my bare leg and got a big dose of reality that caught me unprepared. My leg is gone. It's really difficult to find the words to describe what that feels like. I am able to spend a lot of time now out of that splint so I am seeing a lot more of my leg. It's helping me adjust and also brings a few more sad moments.

My pain level is higher than the average patient at my stage of recovery and I experience a lot of phantom pain. This really doesn't surprise me and it doesn't surprise my surgeon.  During any surgery it is normal that the muscles and things twitch and move a bit. During my surgery my surgeon said my leg was twitching, jumping, and having spasms to a far greater degree than he had ever seen. Which means all my nerves in my left leg are hypersensitive and hyperactive. It is going to take time for things to calm down. Also, the amount of pain I was in and the length of time I was in that pain really irritated all those nerves. It's just going to take time. Pain. My nemesis. 

Sisters

Jay and me at the airport.

I love my sisters! There's a common phrase "sisters by chance, friends by choice". Cliché as it may be it's just too true. My sisters are my best friends! They have done so much for me as I've been going through this. When I was hospitalized in February they jumped in their cars and came to stay with me for a week.  Both are young moms and just made arrangements that quickly without hesitation to come be with me when I needed them! They are so amazing! On top of that I have 8 sister-in-laws who have pulled out all the stops to give their love and support, not the least of which includes a complete over hall cleaning of my house and yard! MariaElena in particular has gone out of her way to help us in any way she can. She has been my guardian angel.I love all my sisters! 
My older sister JeuneElle(Jay) has been my biggest supporter, advocate, cheerleader and confidant! I'd be lost without her. She's done almost as much research as I have on amputees, what to expect, options, treatments, prosthetics, etc. It's so amazing to have someone so informed who can be my sounding  board to think through ideas and options! Then she packed up (again!) and spent a week taking care of me after surgery. What a friend! She never misses a day without calling to check up on me.
We had a great time and it was the perfect distraction from the pain of having the amputation. She helped organize my jewelry which means I picked out all the stuff and she made them while making me feel like I was actually contributing to the project in a useful way. She's magic like that! They turned out so cute!

 

 

I can't wait to see my sisters again soon. I'm very excited to spend time with my sister-in-laws on our Mexico trip this summer. And I really hope to be doing well enough for a trip to Utah at the end of the summer! The greatest thing about my sisters are the amazing kids they are raising! I adore my nieces and nephews more than anything! My favorite thing in the world is spending time with them. And I can't complete this post without a shout out to my amazing brother! We have a great friendship and his support means a lot to me at this time (we just don't organize our jewelry together).

 

"Sisters are forever friends"



Newbie Amputee

As a new amputee I'm trying to get my legs under me (haha pun intended!) in this new life. It's 2am and I am wide awake with a pain spasm and there's no time like the present to begin something new! I am 3 weeks post surgery but the greatest reason I am finally beginning to record my thoughts is that my  heart is so full of gratitude today. There is something beautiful about the tidal wave of kindness and charity that often follows tragedy or hardship! I have been on the receiving end of so many kind thoughts, prayers and deeds that I can not begin to express my thanks! Every bit means so much!

I titled my blog Spes et Fides which is Latin for hope and faith. I may be a new amputee, however, I have been undergoing pain and mobility problems in my left leg leading up to this amputation for several years now. It has been a long and difficult road. I have learned that two most important things for me to hold fast to are my faith and hope.

The best thing in my life is my loving husband who has carried me through (sometimes literally carrying me!). Anyone who has ever met him knows that he is great. He cares for me without complaint and we are finding our way in this new way of living together. He has saved my life very literally but most importantly he gives me a daily reminder of how good this life can be!